Honor: 54 [ Give / Take ]
13 entries this month
Hehe!
07:57 Mar 24 2008
Times Read: 982
I just had the perfect beginning to my day.
I had a good stress relief with Brett and we have gone for a ride.
I am currently sitting in the car at a gas station and the lady who works here has been feeding raccoons. There are (at last count) 19 of them!
I miss my raccoons. I wonder if they still come to the old house.
I miss feeding, petting and playing with them all!
I wish I had my camera on me right now.
I Wanna Leave
19:46 Mar 23 2008
Times Read: 987
I should have stayed in Nashville. No matter what the hell I do around here, I'm wrong.
I'm wrong when I say Aurora's tired and that's why she's crying. It's cause she's hungry they say. No, she just ate less then 45 minutes ago, but it's not like they would know. They were all eating and lecturing me for us not coming over earlier.
It's not like I would know anything after dealing with her for four months. It's not like I know her cues by now. It's not like I know anything at all, right?
I'm so stupi, ignorant, etc. I don't know what I'm talking about.
And yet when I said she's not hungry and isn't eating because she's tired... I get the reply of "So you're going to let her go to bed? That way she's up all night." And another saying "That's right, blame it on the baby."
I am so tired of this and I wonder why I feel hopeless and wanting to give up. They wonder why I used to self-harm and why I just stay away.
God, I want Nashville back. Where no one knew me. No one expected anything else from me then what they saw. I miss that. I miss the friendly people in a hurry from hell.
This place makes me feel trapped. It makes me feel cornered. When I'm away from it, I don't really care to self-harm unless something big happens that backs me into a corner. Yet, everytime I turn around here, I'm overwhelmed with the urge to hurt myself. The only thing stopping me is Aurora because I don't want to lose her. I can't.
I want to escape. I want to be anywhere but here. I want away from this place and these people.
When I was in Nashville, no matter what I did... they thought I was in the right. Yet, when I moved back here, everything's wrong again.
Brett and I are trying to save up to move back to Nashville but with how many people we owe and how many bills we have, there's no way in hell that we would be able to get out of here anytime soon. I just want to hide.
10:00 Mar 23 2008
Times Read: 990
An update on the last journal entry.
I got Aurora to sleep finally. She's fussing in her sleep right now. I'm hoping she doesn't wake back up.
I have gotten two rooms cleaned and only one more very messing room to go... plus baby clothes to fold and put away.
I can't vacuum or sweep the floors until my mom gets home and a little bit after that for certain reasons.
The Easter Bunny already visited here... LOL! I guess that eight minutes I got of sleep was enough, huh?
I have to bake a damn cake before my mom gets home.
I am so tempted to finish cleaning the one lone room. And get to bed leaving a note for Brett on the front door to wake me up when he gets home... by any means, which means using water in my face if necessary...
This was my little bit of a break from being on my feet. My legs are killing me and I have no more pain meds from where I was prescribed it before. *sighs* I guess I am going to become quite the cryer before I can get into the doctor's huh? LOL!
Early Easter Morning, Too Early!
08:36 Mar 23 2008
Times Read: 993
Someone please help me. I don't know how I am going to stay awake all day.
Aurora has kept me up all night, except for a smashing eight minutes.
I have cleaning yet to do. Plus when 7:30 a.m. comes, whether I have my cleaning done or not, I have cooking to do. I'm helping my mom and grandma with a big dinner that's not even going to be dinner.
We're having it early because my nephew is going home today before the evening comes.
But after I'm done cleaning and helping with food, plus the whole dinner thing here (this doesn't include seeing what the Easter Bunny brought), we have to go to my family's places... aka Uncle Jeff's and possibly Uncle Junior's.
I want to cry. I need to get done and yet Aurora is refusing to sleep even though she can barely hold her eyes open and screaming her head off.
*sighs* I must keep my sanity. It's only throughout the day. Brett's off tonight. I can sleep then... although I still haven't gotten to spend any time with him.
*cries* I just want a little bit of a break! I want a couple hours of sleep sometime today.
Yes, I am whiney right now. Actually often lately. I haven't been getting sleep and it makes me complain a lot.
My knuckle hasn't been bothering me as much as my heel cords. In other words, I haven't seen a doctor. Don't think I'm going to. It goes a little towards my other finger a little bit. *shrugs* It might be something, probably is, but oh well. I have bigger fish to fry.
I have to get my medical card on Monday or Tuesday and make an appointment with a doctor to see what they say about my heel cords. They're tightening again to where I am walking on my toes 3/4ths of the time. I'm having pain clear up in my back because of it. I don't want to get surgery again so I've been stretching them, but it isn't doing any good.
Someone sent me DDR so I can hopefully get into it and lose some weight and also stretch them out some. If I can do it. Walking is hurting. I can walk/stand or about 20 minutes at a time. It's causing problems in my life so they have to do something, don't they? Even if it's just therapy...
I don't want to be in casts for three months. I don't even know how that would work... and I don't want to think about it.
My mom doesn't even know what would happen. I wouldn't even be getting up for a few days to go to the bathroom, let alone take care of Aurora.
I'm scared. My daddy's not here anymore to calm me down about any kind of surgery. I still have my talking Scooby Doo from the first one. There's a picture of me with him and my baby blanket in my portfolio.
Hell, I forgot to mention that the other day Brett and I took Aurora to the graveyard to visit my daddy. I broke down. I can't stand it. I don't know how to handle it even now. I don't think I ever will be able to. But I'm planning on writing more about that later on, once I get some sleep.
I'm crying right now. It seems that no matter what I do is right anymore. I'm never going to be good enough, am I?
I don't even think Brett's wants to know what's truly on my mind. Then again, I'm not sure that I'm willing to tell him or that I want him or anyone to really know.
I feel like I'm going to explode.
I feel that way when I talk to Courtney anymore, does that mean I should just say the hell with it and break off our friendship?
Wow, I have a lot on my mind.
I really need to write either here or in my journal on the computer... which I haven't used in like a month now.
I have to get done. I need to get done.
And to make today all the better, I get to deal with my sister today. To those who actually know me enough to know what I'm talking about, you will understand when I say this...
Joy, fuckin' joy!
Happy flippin' Easter! I hope your's is better then mine seems to be unfolding!
Yay!
03:43 Mar 20 2008
Times Read: 1,004
I'm so lucky! LOL! I probably broke my knuckle earlier today. I can't bend it. Aurora had a doctor appointment today about 30 minutes after I did it and he said I should go to urgent care. Oh joy!
If the swelling and my ability to move it some doesn't change, Brett is making me go tomorrow.
*sighs* I don't want to! I hate doctors!
On a good note, Aurora had her first meal of rice cereal today! LOL! Pictures will be posted later tonight if my hand stops hurting some.
It's sad, this hurts worse then a lot of things!
Woohoo!
09:09 Mar 19 2008
Times Read: 1,010
I like where I see my coven going! We're finally getting our standing score up and will be going up a spot within the next day or two.
Our forum is active as hell right now. And we've inducted a couple of people within the last 24 hours.
We got a few pages we're currently working on, plus one still in the designing process. That one will take a long time to do though. And the right people being inducted.
Bottom Line:
We need role players!!
I'm updating the news section when I get on later this morning and also getting the "Staircase to the Stars" page updated.
Also helping Brett with his new page he just put up. *sighs* It's going to be interesting.
Is this becoming our project?
18:39 Mar 18 2008
Times Read: 1,016
Since I have traded for Brett the other night, things have been getting done in the coven.
I think it was a great thing to induct him. This week or next week, I'm getting him a premium membership so we can share my other account to stay active in the house.
I also need to renew my premium membership before too long.
The forum in my coven is picking up nicely. I'm happy with it now at least. I wish some of the other members who haven't been on would log to see the changes.
I finished the member cards. Now I am just waiting for my members to send me a picture they want to use and their quote. I think that is going to take the longest.
I also added a new page to hopefully encourage leveling up their accounts. It's called "Staircase to the Stars! Hopefully, my idea works! LOL!
I also want to get a trade page up, along with a birthday page. But one thing at a time, huh?
The Nashville Unemployment agency is still toying with us. It's pissing me off. They are interferring with our case and Aurora's medical. But hopefully that changes today...
Courtney is being a bitch, like always. I seriously wonder why I love her sometimes and why I am still friends with her. Between the bitchiness and guilt trips, where does the friendship lie?
I don't know. Maybe I will write more in here later. I know I have written a couple of entries lately just for me to be logged out or the transfer be interrupted somehow. Too bad I keep on forgetting to copy it before I hit submit. When will I learn?
Grrr!
10:56 Mar 16 2008
Times Read: 1,030
I am making a template for the member cards for my coven. I am making literal cards. I hope they look alright when I get done. So far it's lookin' good, but that doesn't mean anything.
LOL!
Wish me luck everyone! Haha!
I just hope all of my members like the look and idea behind the cards.
Grrrrness!
04:50 Mar 12 2008
Times Read: 1,038
I have been sick for the past three days. I just want to sleep and not get Aurora sick again.
She won't sleep at all! Every damn night it's the same story... she goes to sleep, wait until Daddy leaves for work, wakes up, and screams her head off for mommy.
I feel like I am going insane. I just want her to sleep. It doesn't matter anymore how much I keep her up during the day. She still does this.
Is a couple of hours of sleep too much to ask for? That's all I want. It isn't much.
Thank god, Brett should be home on time in the morning. And that he is off tomorrow night. I want to get over this damn flu. That's all.
Wow!19:05 Mar 11 2008
Times Read: 1,045
The dreaded Tiffy sucking Courtney's toes while drunk pictures! LOL!
Courtney's expression!
And a VERY drunk Tiffy!
04:42 Mar 08 2008
Times Read: 1,050
This search engine is awesome. You can win things while searching. I have actually gotten some of the prizes through the mail already. It's fun.
Thanks!
Fuck it!
04:04 Mar 04 2008
Times Read: 1,067
I might be losing a friend soon. By choice.
She will probably be getting SSI soon and using the money on a god damn tattoo that she can't even fuckin' see!
I'm sorry but there are regulations on what you can use SSI for.
My dad was denied it and was disabled. My nephew lost his even though he deserves it because of his heart conditions and surgeries.
What the fuckin' hell?!?
If she does this like she is planning. I WILL turn her ass in! I hope she realizes this because I won't fuck around with it.
Is it kind of horrible that I am hoping she gets denied again? I feel bad about it but come on, if she is going to just use it on stupid shit and to party like she was before, I will report it.
And I will not be chickenshit about it. I will tell her personally that I did it. I don't care anymore.
I am returning all of her things tomorrow sometime. And that's it. I might just break it off.
She's just disgusting me right now. Her attitude towards everything.
18:23 Mar 02 2008
Times Read: 1,077
So many things revolve around the timing of something else.
Me? I can't ever seem to get the timing right. I feel disgusted with myself. I feel rejected. I just really want to hide in a hole away from everyone.
I waited over an hour and a half for Brett to get home. I made sure the baby was asleep and would still be asleep when he arrived.
I was so horny, wet, and actually confident for once. I was actually up last night and reading some 'interesting and intriguing' stories online. I still have the page up in another window.
But anywho, I was waiting impatiently for him to get home. He did.
He got the hint almost instantly that I wanted to have some fun with him. And basically told me no.
I probably won't get any sex today. Wow. Who would have thought I would be a sex fiend if I met the right guy?
He wants me to become more aggressive and to take what I want. But every time I work up the courage, confidence, and I am wanting it... I get turned down.
Not so good for me. It hurts. It feels like he is just taking my heart and shredding it and handing it back to me, like everything will be okay. He felt bad because I cried. I couldn't help it though. I was wanting him so badly, didn't get it and felt completely rejected in the process.
It happens every time. It makes me think about why I even bother. I don't know. I want to make him happy and please him. Yet every damn time, I get rejected.
What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to take it?
It feels like every time I want it, then it's wrong. But every time he wants it, oh it's okay then to expect it from me which he does whether he realizes or not.
I am so tempted to just wake him the hell up. I'm sitting here watching him sleep. Just wanting to attack him.
LOL! I think a Tiffy is horny!
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